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Log inOnce upon a christmas slay!
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Once upon a christmas slay!
Crisis Rocan Tue Dec 24, 2019 5:31 pm
I was feeling it, even more than the original as my internal sound track was on the bounce with a metal kick. Up, down, up, down, bounce from one foot to the other, bounce up and land down on the balls of my feet as I was feeling the vibe as I stared done a horde of enemies. Snow blizzarding all around the battlefield and a winter night so cold and crisp you could probably hear those sleigh bells jingling of old Saint Nick somewhere far away if you listened closely enough.
It’s instinct mostly the way I fight and wage war, rational thought has very little to do with it at the best of times, and at the worst, no doubt about it, I’m driven and thrive on pure instinct. For better or worse I am a being of instinct, but that doesn’t mean I can’t be swayed to battle insync with plan and strategy as the best of them have throughout al histories of life.
It was Christmas eve somewhere I’d hazard a guess more than one somewhere and I was nearly snow blind in the blizzard storming all about, though the air was settling like the eye of a tornado spinning wildly about was all around the heart of the storm was calm and slowly shifting into something unreal for those I stood against. I continued to bounce, though I could have sworn I hadn’t dropped onto my hands and feet during the process. Well whatever it’s all the same to me two feet or hands and feet I’ll adapt and run with it.
Something changed and not just the internal soundtrack
“Fire!”
I heard it somewhere ahead and the next thing I knew bullets were flying at me and passed me in a quantity I just didn’t want to be hit by. Not by any means a coward, but death by a thousand bullets, was on the things I’d rather avoid list. So I pranced about twisting and turning than like a shot I was off racing across the grounds hitting the blizzard like a battering ram, I ran on all fours straight into the white out. A raging fire starting inside of my heart, hammering and hammering and pounding away like a frightened animal bolting for its life. For the love of all things fucked up and bizarre I never knew I could feel such a thing. It was a novel experience which I was too busy dissecting for future insight and use when my ass hualing pace smacked straight into a titanic mountain of a man. Some joy fat fuck with red briches and hokey ass carpet for a beard hanging all the way down to his shins. The same damn shins I was nose to knee with.
Now I’ve seen big men before but this bastard was a mountain when I looked up at him, and why the hell is everything blurring red. Damit did I get blood in my eyes again. And this bloke ain’t one of the Confed’s I’d been gunning against only a few minutes before. Come to think of it, I did feel like that storm was interrupted for the briefest of moments, almost like. I must have crossed through space and time again without intending to. No surprise there really it’s like breathing, shit happens.
So where was I right nose to big toes, glaring up at the monster of a man blurred red for whatever bizarre reason I hadn’t figured out yet. He was speaking but for some reason I missed most of it. But he seemed to know me, I mean he kept calling me by the same name which I could quite catch all the while asking my to help him kill someone or something tonight. Honestly, it was all a bit hard to understand the height difference and his accent were playing havoc on my ears. Which by the way were ticing really fucking bad with every word that came out of his mouth.
Big red was a tower on a mountain in orbit in comparison to my height but what the hell I must have come here before at some point in his life he was on such a familiar basis with me. What the hell I nodded seeing more snow beneath his feet, dyed red in my vision as I confirmed I’d help.
It felt like a white christmas snow everywhere in sight, no wonder the big bastard wanted help with his fight. I mean I was having trouble seeing where I was going and I could see outside my body all around me on a moments notice. Shit the storm was blurring it all anyway, but the big man and his elite team were keeping pace behind me though his team seemed only a bit bigger than myself. Either way the nine of them were hot on my heels as I lead the way in the direction he wanted us to go. Only slowing or stopping when we needed to change directions. Our course was steady and pushed, he was driving us at a breakneck pace, something about running out of time and needing to finish before the night ended and day broke the skies above.
I could hear his breath catching as we seemed to be closing in his excitement building at the prospect of finishing his mission with time to spare. He urged us on at a speed the forced me to run on all fours leaping we both sets of limbs almost never touching the ground, like I was flying close to the ground bounding from one almost touch of the ground to the next. Hoofing it at a remarkable speed I heard him crying out far behind me something about “tonight”. It must be tonight, I pushed harder soon leaving the rest behind, their clatter echoing along as it was decided we just had to go straight and we would make it in time. The way was clear, only in so far as it was literally straight forward. I broke for the place of our destination and kept running full speed once it was in sight. There was but one enemy to be found anywhere in sight a mass of green and Jerry-curls glaring in my direction as I broke from the storm, and raging blizzard of my own. Not giving my enemy a chance to react I saw a slight smile began to spread across the thin lips of my target. Straight for the throat my teeth sank in ripping it clean apart screams of bloody murder ehoed albeit gurgglingly out of the gorged out throat of my enemy. I pranced about in animalistic fashion as I waited for my partner in this endeavors to arrive with his men in tow to see how efficiently I had completed his kill mission...
And then suddenly I was being chased after by the giant man and his eight far tinier hit men. Hearing him scream after me, Rudolph the Red-nosed reindeer you’ll go down in history!!
And fuck me did I run, how the hell was I supposed to know the big ass bastard was... I swear to god he said will you guide my slay to...night
I think I just killed Mrs Clause!
Crisis Rocan- First Sergeant
- Posts : 356
Join date : 2019-03-31
The 12 Slays of Christmas
Crisis Rocan Thu Dec 26, 2019 12:40 am
Run Rudolph Run, mother fucker these bastards are fast. I’ve been running all night it’s Christmas day and Santa the giant mother fucking hunter is keeping pace with all eight of his pyschotic fucking reindeers. I’ll be honest this isn’t your modern day Jolly Old Saint Nick with a plush bag of toys for all the good and bad little girls and boys. What were you expecting me to say the evil little bastards weren’t going to get spoiled even more for being nasty buggers all year long except in hopes of being given even more gifts from their mommy’s and daddy’s…
Well did you. Let’s be real for a quick second while I dodge daggers and arrows, and spear shafts oh my. Dorothy Gale eat your skirt off…
Saw that one coming out a lot better before I actually said it. Anyway the fact is Santa and the gifts are all for anyone and everyone, forget for being for all the good little boys and girls, and not to forget those adult children with their fetish collections…
Anyway moving right along this was the Santa Clause more commonly known as Odin, or Wodan or half a dozen other fucking old Earth names time forgot and people didn’t now about anyway. After all what other crazy giant bastard would spend Christmas on a Wild Hunt. Oh in case it had slipped your noticed I’m prancing around as Rudolph the fucking Red Nosed Reindeer.. And I have a very bloody mouth. And even you ever saw it you’d say Mrs Clause was dead from her head to her blood soaked toes. Oops my bad!
No really my bad. I thought he said SLAY, not Sleigh. How was I supposed to know, that blithering fuck has a speech impediment I mean Odin come on viking all drunk father. So here I find myself running all over who knows where and when with the Wild Hunt hot on my ass.
Oh I know what you’re thinking, so Odin’s chasing, and 8 tiny reindeer… first of all tiny to him, and his a fucking mountain of a man so there’s pretty fucking stacked and jacked themsleves in reindeer form, but let’s not forget this went from Rudolph the Red-nosed reindeer to kill the Wabbit pretty fucking quick.
….
Where the hell did that come from, and I know for certain that isn’t Metallica, but run fast. I’m about to turn this into a slay ride that glowering fudd won’t soon forget. I’m over this run Rudolph Run shit. It’s time to turn the slaybells.
… And the bad puns continue..
On the first slay of Chrismas, well I already killed Mrs. Clause so on to number two.
On the second Slay of Christmas that giant bastard sent after me,
Two vikings trolling…
And the Mrs still as dead as can be.
Those freaking vikings were hot in pursuing two advancing before the rest things layering out behind them in rows or columns of oh shit…
That was a trolls head which just smashed into a tree right next to my pretty red nose. I swear it looks like they're bowling with trolls for my neck. Two massive waist high, to the big guy that is, vikings bowling with troll heads for me. You’d think I broke in on a viking elks lodge meeting or something. What’s next elf ear darts and dwarf beard nets.
Speaking of bowling… for soup I ran
So for the third Slay of Christmas that Saint Smuck sent after me
Three axes a chopping
Two Viking’s Trolling
And his Mrs still a blood smear
Oh for the love of double decker sandwiches I’ll pass on the slice down the center. This is clearly getting morbid far beyond obsession, come on now it was an honest mistake anyone in my position would make. Well no probably not but I’m not used to being a reindeer, this is all freakishly new for me people. Different shapes and sizes sure, being an animal that’s not on the docket. So I bite off a little too much of the old bag, it’s my fault Nick the tick tick tick in his speech can’t artickulate his words properly. Bah and those axes are grinning I think they have faces. Hey now no biting at my little cotton tail, no killing the wabbit you shiny faced meat cleavers.
And you know what it gets worse.
For the fourth slay of Christmas Wodan hurled at me
Four Horsemen charging
Three Axes a chopping
Two Viking’s Trolling
And the old bag is a withered tree
Oh look the ninja turtles are on horseback
Welcome to the Sanitarium home of the deranged Wild Hunt, hell folks this is mission impossible outrun the hell hounds of Odin god of zealous angry and white picket fences with his Mrs’s head piked out for the crows… err ravens… which fowl was his. Chasing me for his own damn mistake of bungling his words in a winter storm.
On the Fifth Slay of Christmas The Drunkered slurred at me
One fifth barrel of vodka.. err mead
Four Horsemen Charging
Three Axes a chopping
Two Viking’s Trolling
And his wife squashed like a bee.
Well that would explain a lot of his bad temper and slurred words. The Viking god of chugging was hot on his fifth of mead, and I was staying one step ahead, and now
For the Six Slay of Christmas the fanatical Father shot at me
Six Western Bullets
One fifth barrel of vodka.. err mead
Four Horsemen Charging
Three Axes a chopping
Two Viking’s Trolling
And his wife no longer able to breathe.
Really we're still making rabbit jokes halfway through this song and dance number… what you don’t get it, here’s a shot of your six western bullets.
Ok that’s hitting below the belt he’s got an axe, shouldn’t that throw off number three.
On the Seventh Slay of Christmas the Jolly Jackass laughed at me
Seven helper elves a thrashing
Six Western Bullets
One fifth barrel of vodka.. err mead
Four Horsemen Charging
Three Axes a chopping
Two Viking’s Trolling
And his Mrs missing life on Christmas eve
Sure their thrashing alright, two steps behind my fuzzy little deer tail. Why do I have to be a near defenseless reindeer, somebody is having a good laugh at my expense. And helper elves don’t belong thrashing, head-banging, or stage diving, let alone playing killer hooks with meat cleavers drooling over fresh dead me-a-sin screw… venison stew… keep up folks this is bad humour with megawhores, one’o one, metaphors, get it… well
As for the Eighth Slay of Christmas Viking balls was chasing after me
With Eight slutty vixens
Seven helper elves a thrashing
Six Western Bullets
One fifth barrel of vodka.. err mead
Four Horsemen Charging
Three Axes a chopping
Two Viking’s Trolling
And his Mrs turning over in her grave
That’s in bad taste Nicholasodinwodanian Clausy ballsy bastard Saint…
More than a mouthful is too much. And he’s got eight slutty vixen in this Wild Hunt, no wonder his Mrs, looks pretty grim these days. Oh wait she’s dead with her throat torn out guess he’s free to sleaze it up. Still in poor taste dinosaurous complexious redness in need of redress.
And the Ninth Slay of Christmas Christopher the Cringle clubber cantered out behind
Nine Slithering skittering Spindly spider legs.
With Eight slutty vixens
Seven helper elves a thrashing
Six Western Bullets
One fifth barrel of vodka.. err mead
Four Horsemen Charging
Three Axes a chopping
Two Viking’s Trolling
And Mrs Cringle’’ll will be ash and dust bunnies soon you’ll see.
It’s sick and twisted I know, but what kind of guy wears pantyhose with nine spider legs attached.
Yup I can’t unsee that, hope it brings nightmares to your Yule time bash… mine is a running gag… and it’s about time for the
Chasing after the Tenth Slay of Christmas Nightmare Nick decided on
Ten Tons of fun
Nine Slithering skittering Spindly spider legs.
With Eight slutty vixens
Seven helper elves a thrashing
Six Western Bullets
One fifth barrel of vodka.. err mead
Four Horsemen Charging
Three Axes a chopping
Two Viking’s Trolling
And his Mrs, was only half a ton see.
Oh dear me, dear me, this is getting horrid, I’m running out of tongue and groove, which leaves me with shit... I mean wit and splendor a plenty
As old Saint Prick on the Eleventh Slay of Christmas cried havok letting slip the
Eleven dogs of Yule
Ten Tons of fun
Nine Slithering skittering Spindly spider legs.
With Eight slutty vixens
Seven helper elves a thrashing
Six Western Bullets
One fifth barrel of vodka.. err mead
Four Horsemen Charging
Three Axes a chopping
Two Viking’s Trolling
And Mrs Clause a falling
Why am I being hounded by eleven dogs all drooling. A ten ton cringle, on nine legs a dragging eighth cute but slutty vixens, seven metal head elves, six crazy bullets while drinking mead and the four horsemen charging, three axing chopping two Vikings Trolling and well you know the rest.
And the last fucking thing the fat bastard tried was
Twelve horrid jokes
Eleven dogs of Yule
Ten Tons of fun
Nine Slithering skittering Spindly spider legs.
With Eight slutty vixens
Seven helper elves a thrashing
Six Western Bullets
One fifth barrel of vodka.. err mead
Four Horsemen Charging
Three Axes a chopping
Two Viking’s Trolling
And a one Mrs Clause approved…
Cause she’s dead!
Last edited by Crisis Rocan on Thu Dec 16, 2021 5:48 pm; edited 1 time in total
Crisis Rocan- First Sergeant
- Posts : 356
Join date : 2019-03-31
This is Halloween...
Crisis Rocan Sat Oct 31, 2020 12:54 am
It’s graphic…
It’s tragic…
It’s not a tale of Jack the Pumpkin King…
That story’s old and poorly told, so here’s the thing you see.
Knock our gates and hear our fair.
Wait is that a fucking Dracula song, I hpe not, he’s lame, like the mummy and a dead duck.
Wait there it is, this is halloween!
I am the one hiding under your bed,
Teeth ground sharp and eyes glowing red
I am the one hiding under your stairs,
Fingers like snakes and spiders in my hair
I am the clown with the tear-away face,
Here in a flash and gone without a trace
I am the who when you call "Who's there?",
I am the wind blowing through your hair
I am the shadow on the moon at night,
Filling your dreams to the brim with fright
Alright you remember last time don’t you? Bloody buck teeth, the old Mrs. Clause being a midnight oopsie daisy snack attack, and the long run from Santa’s Christmas slay ride to hunt my red nosed ass done. Well turns out after narrowly escaping Crazy Clause and his buck toothed ninety point hunting pack I manage to slip away and pop out of a tree in a place with graves floating in the air. ghost dogs without a bone to spare. It’s strange to find myself here, draped in cloth, a sack perhaps, or a cloak of monstrous depths, hard to say, but either way I soon heard some Boogie Woogie sounds being slug my way.
I didn’t mind despite all that was being done around me and the general spooky fright I was enduring, there was a certain pleasantness about it all. Especially in comparison to the winter wonderland I had left behind.
All day, all the time Halloween though was getting a bit obnoxious. I won’t lie, it was fun for a while playing along with the mad inhabitants of this place. This is Halloween, This is Halloween… day in blow my fucking brains day out. And there you have it…. I snapped.
I started hunting the denizens of Halloween Town, chasing them down for the thrill of it in the beginning, just chasing after them in good sport. Then one day it turned dark and frightening.
Let’s take a trip to a place where the sun don’t shine!
Shine shine shine on it!
I am on my way into the darkness surrounding all of Halloween Town. It’s dark as night and boogie’s fright, this world shivers at the sound of my Oogie Boogie infamy and they call me Boogieman and devil. A dozen other names that all ring with the same cloaked terror by which the citizens scream the name Oogie Boogie loud and clear, in the darkness nights proclaiming all my realm a living hell.
I enjoyed it a bit of mayhem and torment, chasing and hunting, all things considered it was very bad karma for me to do what I had done to me as Rudolph the running for his life rednosed reindeer. And don't get me started on Jack the Pain in the Ass Pumpkin king. Such a meddlesome prick, constantly interrupting my activities and saving my prey, come on Jack you bastard I’m just playing tag with the scaredy cats of your home.
Oh no he was all high and mighty. You can’t treat my people this way, bad Oogie Boogie this bad Oogie Boogie that. Grr, he makes my teeth grate just thinking about him, well I’ll fix him.
After all I know how his story is supposed to go, Opens a door to Christmas town,... oh hell no we are not letting psycho santa into this world, on any terms but my own, I have some clowns that will kidnap the sandy claws for me… my own kind of lock shock and barrel I brought to this nightmare land.
DREADNOKS!!!
KIDNAP MISTER SANDY CLAWS!
Not the brightest blokes, but this is Santa Clause after all. How could they possibly fuck this up! Well you know! Either way it all goes well and they bag and tag the bastard Clause, but while they were away I had a little trick of my own to play, or maybe, just maybe it was the ultimate treat for me OOGIE BOOGIE! HAHAHAHAHHAHAHHAHAHAHA!
It was before Jack found the Christmas Town Christmas tree door way. I looked to find something else, and I did a door so ironic and fitting, terrible and funny all at once I was bursting at my seams. Now I need only wait for Jack to begin his crappy version of What’s this, What’s this it’s snow you stupid dipshit! But I have other plans for him hahahahah HAHAHHAHAH BWAHAHAHAHAHA.. Cough cough!
Sorry I was enjoying my role as villain a bit, I don’t do it often, but when the shoe fits, and my feet a big dammit, you wear it until it destroys itself through use. HEHE, come on get down with the sickness, I do from time to time! I am the sickness hehe
OH yeah that brings out the best in me… wait hold on, a cover what the fuck internal soundtrack stop fucking with me like I’m about to fuck wiht Jack. Hello Jack I say, Here’s Johnny and I shove him through an open door… laughing all the way. Sorry still getting the christmas cheer out of my system, from you know, before. I melt that fucking door shut, and we can all be singing shana nana shanan nanan hey hey goodbye! That’s right sing it with me I’m sure you know a few folk you’ve sang it for or wish you could in your lives.
So I walk away and you get a good damn view of that skull on the tree, all glitter and smiles. And if you’re not laughing uncontrollable at my sense of humor and where I sent Jack the Pumpkin King master of terror and freight, then you suck too!
I’m an asshole I know, but I can't stop laughing about it, I just sent the Pumpkin King to the happy mexican version of Halloween with all fucking smiles and memories no freight and terror. I’m so bad. It’s like giving him his worst nightmare… so Oogie Boogie of me hehehehe hahahahahaha.
Well Jack’s sealed off in his own personal nightmare, a scareless halloween and no way back. This is too easy and of course there is still Old Saint Dick I mean Nick to deal with. The boys should have him back here by now and I’ve got a splendid idea for when I see him.
Oh yeah I’m feeling that.
Well, well, well, what have we here?
My old nemesis dick the nick you’ve made your final sleigh ride.
NOw my favorite Boogyman is the blank man, just you know my sense of style, a black coat all in black and dark mysterious but you know you see what you want to, beneath the covering of my Oogie Boogie flare.
I beat him
I broke him
I sent him screaming through his brain.
I slapped him
I capped him
I broke his fucking mind.
Santa
The Odin
He’s just a bitch that’s fucking broken.
Choking
Smoking
He’s fifty shades of housewife broken
I stabbed him
I stuck him
He’s not good enough for stewin
Chopping
Dicing
The herbs are good and golden
Santa’s on his last legs and I’m gonna spike his eyes on toothpicks for decoration
Cause I’m gonna go far kid, with Jack off in his own personal day of the dead nightmare, and santa stewing in his holly jolly crockpot. I’m off to reclaim my throne, I mean my winter wonderland home. After all I make my way back to the door in the tree that leads back to the land where Santa was kidnapped from. My cloak slipping free snagging on a tree revealing my still rednosed reindeer body. RIght before I step through the door way back to Christmas town.
With one last change of my internal sound track for the road.
And when I stepped foot back into the Christmas world I found out I had undergone a change!
It’s tragic…
It’s not a tale of Jack the Pumpkin King…
That story’s old and poorly told, so here’s the thing you see.
Knock our gates and hear our fair.
Wait is that a fucking Dracula song, I hpe not, he’s lame, like the mummy and a dead duck.
Wait there it is, this is halloween!
I am the one hiding under your bed,
Teeth ground sharp and eyes glowing red
I am the one hiding under your stairs,
Fingers like snakes and spiders in my hair
I am the clown with the tear-away face,
Here in a flash and gone without a trace
I am the who when you call "Who's there?",
I am the wind blowing through your hair
I am the shadow on the moon at night,
Filling your dreams to the brim with fright
Alright you remember last time don’t you? Bloody buck teeth, the old Mrs. Clause being a midnight oopsie daisy snack attack, and the long run from Santa’s Christmas slay ride to hunt my red nosed ass done. Well turns out after narrowly escaping Crazy Clause and his buck toothed ninety point hunting pack I manage to slip away and pop out of a tree in a place with graves floating in the air. ghost dogs without a bone to spare. It’s strange to find myself here, draped in cloth, a sack perhaps, or a cloak of monstrous depths, hard to say, but either way I soon heard some Boogie Woogie sounds being slug my way.
I didn’t mind despite all that was being done around me and the general spooky fright I was enduring, there was a certain pleasantness about it all. Especially in comparison to the winter wonderland I had left behind.
All day, all the time Halloween though was getting a bit obnoxious. I won’t lie, it was fun for a while playing along with the mad inhabitants of this place. This is Halloween, This is Halloween… day in blow my fucking brains day out. And there you have it…. I snapped.
I started hunting the denizens of Halloween Town, chasing them down for the thrill of it in the beginning, just chasing after them in good sport. Then one day it turned dark and frightening.
Let’s take a trip to a place where the sun don’t shine!
Shine shine shine on it!
I am on my way into the darkness surrounding all of Halloween Town. It’s dark as night and boogie’s fright, this world shivers at the sound of my Oogie Boogie infamy and they call me Boogieman and devil. A dozen other names that all ring with the same cloaked terror by which the citizens scream the name Oogie Boogie loud and clear, in the darkness nights proclaiming all my realm a living hell.
I enjoyed it a bit of mayhem and torment, chasing and hunting, all things considered it was very bad karma for me to do what I had done to me as Rudolph the running for his life rednosed reindeer. And don't get me started on Jack the Pain in the Ass Pumpkin king. Such a meddlesome prick, constantly interrupting my activities and saving my prey, come on Jack you bastard I’m just playing tag with the scaredy cats of your home.
Oh no he was all high and mighty. You can’t treat my people this way, bad Oogie Boogie this bad Oogie Boogie that. Grr, he makes my teeth grate just thinking about him, well I’ll fix him.
After all I know how his story is supposed to go, Opens a door to Christmas town,... oh hell no we are not letting psycho santa into this world, on any terms but my own, I have some clowns that will kidnap the sandy claws for me… my own kind of lock shock and barrel I brought to this nightmare land.
DREADNOKS!!!
KIDNAP MISTER SANDY CLAWS!
Not the brightest blokes, but this is Santa Clause after all. How could they possibly fuck this up! Well you know! Either way it all goes well and they bag and tag the bastard Clause, but while they were away I had a little trick of my own to play, or maybe, just maybe it was the ultimate treat for me OOGIE BOOGIE! HAHAHAHAHHAHAHHAHAHAHA!
It was before Jack found the Christmas Town Christmas tree door way. I looked to find something else, and I did a door so ironic and fitting, terrible and funny all at once I was bursting at my seams. Now I need only wait for Jack to begin his crappy version of What’s this, What’s this it’s snow you stupid dipshit! But I have other plans for him hahahahah HAHAHHAHAH BWAHAHAHAHAHA.. Cough cough!
Sorry I was enjoying my role as villain a bit, I don’t do it often, but when the shoe fits, and my feet a big dammit, you wear it until it destroys itself through use. HEHE, come on get down with the sickness, I do from time to time! I am the sickness hehe
OH yeah that brings out the best in me… wait hold on, a cover what the fuck internal soundtrack stop fucking with me like I’m about to fuck wiht Jack. Hello Jack I say, Here’s Johnny and I shove him through an open door… laughing all the way. Sorry still getting the christmas cheer out of my system, from you know, before. I melt that fucking door shut, and we can all be singing shana nana shanan nanan hey hey goodbye! That’s right sing it with me I’m sure you know a few folk you’ve sang it for or wish you could in your lives.
So I walk away and you get a good damn view of that skull on the tree, all glitter and smiles. And if you’re not laughing uncontrollable at my sense of humor and where I sent Jack the Pumpkin King master of terror and freight, then you suck too!
I’m an asshole I know, but I can't stop laughing about it, I just sent the Pumpkin King to the happy mexican version of Halloween with all fucking smiles and memories no freight and terror. I’m so bad. It’s like giving him his worst nightmare… so Oogie Boogie of me hehehehe hahahahahaha.
Well Jack’s sealed off in his own personal nightmare, a scareless halloween and no way back. This is too easy and of course there is still Old Saint Dick I mean Nick to deal with. The boys should have him back here by now and I’ve got a splendid idea for when I see him.
Oh yeah I’m feeling that.
Well, well, well, what have we here?
My old nemesis dick the nick you’ve made your final sleigh ride.
NOw my favorite Boogyman is the blank man, just you know my sense of style, a black coat all in black and dark mysterious but you know you see what you want to, beneath the covering of my Oogie Boogie flare.
I beat him
I broke him
I sent him screaming through his brain.
I slapped him
I capped him
I broke his fucking mind.
Santa
The Odin
He’s just a bitch that’s fucking broken.
Choking
Smoking
He’s fifty shades of housewife broken
I stabbed him
I stuck him
He’s not good enough for stewin
Chopping
Dicing
The herbs are good and golden
Santa’s on his last legs and I’m gonna spike his eyes on toothpicks for decoration
Cause I’m gonna go far kid, with Jack off in his own personal day of the dead nightmare, and santa stewing in his holly jolly crockpot. I’m off to reclaim my throne, I mean my winter wonderland home. After all I make my way back to the door in the tree that leads back to the land where Santa was kidnapped from. My cloak slipping free snagging on a tree revealing my still rednosed reindeer body. RIght before I step through the door way back to Christmas town.
With one last change of my internal sound track for the road.
And when I stepped foot back into the Christmas world I found out I had undergone a change!
Crisis Rocan- First Sergeant
- Posts : 356
Join date : 2019-03-31
Jack The Shadow Ripper Frosty... do you want to "BLEEEP" a snowman?
Crisis Rocan Thu Dec 16, 2021 10:05 pm
Wait, wait, wait wait, wait a frigid fucking ice nuts minute… no really, my nuts are ice right now. You do remember how I got here right. Slay ride, Mrs. Throatless Claus, The Twelve Slays of the Wild Huntmas, Bansihing Jack the Pumpkin King to the Mexican Day of the Dead door, and reaping revenge on the Clause demon, than…
I’m Frosty the Fucking Snowball man…
Balls…
Man.
Nuts frozen solid into one gigantic frost sack. Can you see my balls Phil…? Wait for it, you’ll catch that joke later if you’re paying attention. Thumpity, Thump, thump! Thumpity, Thump, thump! Thumpity, Thump, thump!
It’s not nice to stare at a man in his frosted flakeyness. Now I know what you’re thinking. Rudolph the Murderer, Oogie Boogie the Santa Claus bagman, and now the killer Jack Frost the Snow slayer. Seriously, no, I’m not the bad guy here. I have no toes, so how can I be the bad guy here, I’m just telling it like it is.
I’m happy, I’m saintly, I’m a dancing, prancing, singing overweight SNOWBALL. Thumpity, Thump, thump! Thumpity, Thump, thump! Thumpity, Thump, thump!
But let’s not forget I’m back in the winter wonderland, behind the door to Christmas World Land, Town. And as my holiday luck would have it, shit hit the fan…
Obviously figuratively, fans are redundant in winter. I got to be fair though, I did not start off a dancing, prancing, singing flakefest. I was fresh fallen snow draped across the countryside! Nice and white and unmolested by the hands of young rapscallions. Until they stomped all over me time and time again building their little army of pretty snowmen and snowwomen, and snowbeast and snow monsters and snowmanurai? Yeah that’s a thing more on that latter.
Turns out that winter wonderland, without the nut job Santa the Viking sociopath running things there was a lot of unchecked magic in the air. Who knew Santa Claus actually had a purpose other than being a raging DICK! And wouldn’t know you every single one of those snowball monstrousities came to life overnight without Santa Pause halting all that wild magic. So the children dance and play all the while they build an army of snow abominations during the day.
It’s like a living nightmare as they trample upon me rolling other snowflakes into snow things, all over the place, but I can see those things growing into living beings night after night. So they wanna build some snowmen, while they don’t have to be snowmen. And most of them are not exactly Snowmen. Ok Bye!
I wish I had a hammer and a snowplow.
I wanna be a mario Brother, hammering down those ugly snowmen
Can I destroy their fucking snowmen.
I can see beady little fucking eyes.
Their fucking snowmen talking through the night!
Can please be away from these Snowmen.
I can hear them planning all through the night.
I have better plans than these snowmen.
Oh please make me into a snowman.
It’s better than being under foot.
Please roll me into a snowman
Or you're all gonna die in your sleep.
Please making me a sturdy snowman
Cause you're running out of nights to live.
They finally make into a snowman.
But I can’t move at night.
It’s going to be a massacre.
And I can only watch their plight.
Somebody make me a magic dancing prancing singing snowman.
OH shit I take that back.
TOO LATE. for
I’m not Jolly I’m not happyand my eyes are full of rage. But there must have been some magic in that silk hat they found. Because once they placed it on my head, I began to stir, but fuck it there’s only magic at night around here. At least the wild snowman live giving kind and I’d already had a fair count of the number of snowfreaks beginning to stir, and frankly I was out snowmanned. By a legion or so, but let’s just through out some of the frosted freakfest for you before I get into the roll of Frosty the Fucking Snowman Killer Snowman… to redundant?
I mean come on, dragon snowmen fire breathing snowmen, this is not fair, I’m just a couple of balls of snow rolled together with a nice top hat and a freaking cute nose. And it’s all up to me to stop this army of winter darkness from killing all of Christmas towns' populace. Well to be fair I did finish off the Claus lineage. I guess it was time to start a war.
Do you want to kill a snowman?
Oh FUCK YES!
And the great winter snowbowl begins. Well bowling for snowmen isn’t exactly a science, until they start running all over the place and the only thing between them and world domination is Frosty to twig armed snow man.
Wait, I have a great idea, maybe I can find some back up, some other people who would want to kill a snowman.
Would they wanna kill a snowman?
Will they kill a snowman?
Can they kill a snowman?
I’ll ask the people in that tiny cozy house there.
I knock and knock and knock man.
I shout aloud so they can hear me.
Are there any people on the insides?
Do you want to kill a snowman?
It’s deathly quiet coming from inside there.
I guess they don’t want to kill a snowman.
I’ll have to make my stand right here now.
I fight the ever growing number of snowmen
They’re beast and freaks and fighting through the night.
There’s a fire burning in this house brightly.
I scream as my head smashes off the doorframe.
Do you wanna kill a snowman?
They’ll probably kill and rape your wife tonight.
Do you wanna kill a snowman?
Come and save your village here and fight.
Do you wanna kill a snowman?
Well fuck you than,
I kill all these snowmen than,
And yes I wanna kill these snowmen.
They’re fucking pissing me off alright.
I’m gonna kill these snowmen.
Do you wanna kill a snowman?
Help save your villagers tonight.
Do you wanna kill a snowman?
Oh shit I slipped and fell into a frigid lake…
Did I kill every last fucking snowman?
I don’t know if I got them all…
Before my fall…
Did I kill all the snowmen?
And then all I recalled was darkness, the black depths of the darkest of nights.
Despair and misery.
Death and freezing waters, life escaping my snow melting into the water.
This must be the that thing, just before death when the
HAHAHA HA HA HAHAHAHAHA HA HAHA
Oh shit. He’s free. Death and despair will be the least of it, as he whispers goodbye into my melting ears, wait do snowmen have ears. Ah shit moot point seeing as I’m fucking melting into a like which is rapidly freezing as well.
I fucked up! No, no that’s being very nice and very polite about a epic end of all existence FUCK UP!
Death surrounds my heartbeat slowing down. What’s left, I slipped up and in the middle of it all he made a break for it, in a moment of fucking absolute impossibility. How the hell did I let this happen? Krafey shouldn’t have been able to break free. Dammit it fucking Odinballs, errr Santa the Viking cunt Clause. I’m sure this is has something to do with him getting the last fucking laugh at my expense. Shit the ice is thickening and hardened too fast and I can’t pull myself back together fast enough. I hate being enchanted snow… it never kills me to melt.
What, you can’t jump into the middle of a man’s life and think you know everything. It’s fun being a snowflake once in a while. But you can’t die and it means I’m trapped… FUCKER NUTTERS AND SIPPIES!
Oh wait, is that… no can’t be… is that my body breaking through the ice above, is that me.
Silence… long long silence…
Did he just freeze that kids shadow, and that one too, and another one. They've been frozen free of their owners, oh that's creepy as shit. OH come on that's not even fucking fair. Each of the Shadows is coming to life moving on their own separate of their original bodies and following him.
FUCKED! Everbody is so FUCKED!
I’m Frosty the Fucking Snowball man…
Balls…
Man.
Nuts frozen solid into one gigantic frost sack. Can you see my balls Phil…? Wait for it, you’ll catch that joke later if you’re paying attention. Thumpity, Thump, thump! Thumpity, Thump, thump! Thumpity, Thump, thump!
It’s not nice to stare at a man in his frosted flakeyness. Now I know what you’re thinking. Rudolph the Murderer, Oogie Boogie the Santa Claus bagman, and now the killer Jack Frost the Snow slayer. Seriously, no, I’m not the bad guy here. I have no toes, so how can I be the bad guy here, I’m just telling it like it is.
I’m happy, I’m saintly, I’m a dancing, prancing, singing overweight SNOWBALL. Thumpity, Thump, thump! Thumpity, Thump, thump! Thumpity, Thump, thump!
But let’s not forget I’m back in the winter wonderland, behind the door to Christmas World Land, Town. And as my holiday luck would have it, shit hit the fan…
Obviously figuratively, fans are redundant in winter. I got to be fair though, I did not start off a dancing, prancing, singing flakefest. I was fresh fallen snow draped across the countryside! Nice and white and unmolested by the hands of young rapscallions. Until they stomped all over me time and time again building their little army of pretty snowmen and snowwomen, and snowbeast and snow monsters and snowmanurai? Yeah that’s a thing more on that latter.
Turns out that winter wonderland, without the nut job Santa the Viking sociopath running things there was a lot of unchecked magic in the air. Who knew Santa Claus actually had a purpose other than being a raging DICK! And wouldn’t know you every single one of those snowball monstrousities came to life overnight without Santa Pause halting all that wild magic. So the children dance and play all the while they build an army of snow abominations during the day.
It’s like a living nightmare as they trample upon me rolling other snowflakes into snow things, all over the place, but I can see those things growing into living beings night after night. So they wanna build some snowmen, while they don’t have to be snowmen. And most of them are not exactly Snowmen. Ok Bye!
I wish I had a hammer and a snowplow.
I wanna be a mario Brother, hammering down those ugly snowmen
Can I destroy their fucking snowmen.
I can see beady little fucking eyes.
Their fucking snowmen talking through the night!
Can please be away from these Snowmen.
I can hear them planning all through the night.
I have better plans than these snowmen.
Oh please make me into a snowman.
It’s better than being under foot.
Please roll me into a snowman
Or you're all gonna die in your sleep.
Please making me a sturdy snowman
Cause you're running out of nights to live.
They finally make into a snowman.
But I can’t move at night.
It’s going to be a massacre.
And I can only watch their plight.
Somebody make me a magic dancing prancing singing snowman.
OH shit I take that back.
TOO LATE. for
I’m not Jolly I’m not happyand my eyes are full of rage. But there must have been some magic in that silk hat they found. Because once they placed it on my head, I began to stir, but fuck it there’s only magic at night around here. At least the wild snowman live giving kind and I’d already had a fair count of the number of snowfreaks beginning to stir, and frankly I was out snowmanned. By a legion or so, but let’s just through out some of the frosted freakfest for you before I get into the roll of Frosty the Fucking Snowman Killer Snowman… to redundant?
I mean come on, dragon snowmen fire breathing snowmen, this is not fair, I’m just a couple of balls of snow rolled together with a nice top hat and a freaking cute nose. And it’s all up to me to stop this army of winter darkness from killing all of Christmas towns' populace. Well to be fair I did finish off the Claus lineage. I guess it was time to start a war.
Do you want to kill a snowman?
Oh FUCK YES!
And the great winter snowbowl begins. Well bowling for snowmen isn’t exactly a science, until they start running all over the place and the only thing between them and world domination is Frosty to twig armed snow man.
Wait, I have a great idea, maybe I can find some back up, some other people who would want to kill a snowman.
Would they wanna kill a snowman?
Will they kill a snowman?
Can they kill a snowman?
I’ll ask the people in that tiny cozy house there.
I knock and knock and knock man.
I shout aloud so they can hear me.
Are there any people on the insides?
Do you want to kill a snowman?
It’s deathly quiet coming from inside there.
I guess they don’t want to kill a snowman.
I’ll have to make my stand right here now.
I fight the ever growing number of snowmen
They’re beast and freaks and fighting through the night.
There’s a fire burning in this house brightly.
I scream as my head smashes off the doorframe.
Do you wanna kill a snowman?
They’ll probably kill and rape your wife tonight.
Do you wanna kill a snowman?
Come and save your village here and fight.
Do you wanna kill a snowman?
Well fuck you than,
I kill all these snowmen than,
And yes I wanna kill these snowmen.
They’re fucking pissing me off alright.
I’m gonna kill these snowmen.
Do you wanna kill a snowman?
Help save your villagers tonight.
Do you wanna kill a snowman?
Oh shit I slipped and fell into a frigid lake…
Did I kill every last fucking snowman?
I don’t know if I got them all…
Before my fall…
Did I kill all the snowmen?
And then all I recalled was darkness, the black depths of the darkest of nights.
Despair and misery.
Death and freezing waters, life escaping my snow melting into the water.
This must be the that thing, just before death when the
HAHAHA HA HA HAHAHAHAHA HA HAHA
Oh shit. He’s free. Death and despair will be the least of it, as he whispers goodbye into my melting ears, wait do snowmen have ears. Ah shit moot point seeing as I’m fucking melting into a like which is rapidly freezing as well.
I fucked up! No, no that’s being very nice and very polite about a epic end of all existence FUCK UP!
Death surrounds my heartbeat slowing down. What’s left, I slipped up and in the middle of it all he made a break for it, in a moment of fucking absolute impossibility. How the hell did I let this happen? Krafey shouldn’t have been able to break free. Dammit it fucking Odinballs, errr Santa the Viking cunt Clause. I’m sure this is has something to do with him getting the last fucking laugh at my expense. Shit the ice is thickening and hardened too fast and I can’t pull myself back together fast enough. I hate being enchanted snow… it never kills me to melt.
What, you can’t jump into the middle of a man’s life and think you know everything. It’s fun being a snowflake once in a while. But you can’t die and it means I’m trapped… FUCKER NUTTERS AND SIPPIES!
Oh wait, is that… no can’t be… is that my body breaking through the ice above, is that me.
Silence… long long silence…
Did he just freeze that kids shadow, and that one too, and another one. They've been frozen free of their owners, oh that's creepy as shit. OH come on that's not even fucking fair. Each of the Shadows is coming to life moving on their own separate of their original bodies and following him.
FUCKED! Everbody is so FUCKED!
Crisis Rocan- First Sergeant
- Posts : 356
Join date : 2019-03-31
Rufus Tenik likes this post
The Nightmare Before Christmas part 1
Crisis Rocan Sun Nov 27, 2022 3:08 am
Did I forget to mention, you are all so very
FUCKED!
Let’s just recap here for a moment. FUCKEDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD!!!
Jack Fucking Frost, and I don’t mean king of the snowfall and snow days here. I mean how the fuck did Krafey get free. This is a fucking Nightmare Before Christmas alright. This bad news, I mean end of all existence we’re all going to die horrible horrible painful, tragic deaths, end of existence final days kind of fuck ups. God I’m such a fucking Karen!
Oh god that didn’t come out right. Should I have said Cory!
MWAHAHAHA. It doesn’t matter whelp. I’m in control now and things are going to burn. Things are going to be just as I say they should.
It’s time for a plot twist Crisis, all your Christmas Stories are coming to an end. It’s time for a New Year’s bash. I think I’ll call up some old classics from before the era of Christmas, and reign hell upon your world.
Let me just stop things here. Krafey major twat. World classic prick with a god complex, and not just because he’s a god level being with a serious case of the Megalomaniac… I mean he is literally the Essence of the Megalomaniac, so it does kind of make sense. But his narrations blow big ass floppy donkey dick. I mean the dirty south of the border kind here. So I’m taking back over the narrations even though I’m floating god knows where as a fucking snowflake still.
Ahem so back to the tirade of Krafey and I quotes” “Reign hell upon your world.” Drama Queen much, seriously, a little less dick a little more style Krafey for fucks sake.
Alright first of all this guy is a universally recognized asshole, I’m talking galactic levels here. Way to be impartial Crisis… I’m a snowflake I’m allowed to be bitter fucking cold here. Alright for the past few years I’ve been on a twisted as fuck bender of murder and mayhem… In my defense how the hell was I supposed to know he didn’t want me to rip her throat out. And being chased by a medieval viking germanic christmas man is scary. I mean Odin Santa claws and a mass fucking murdering drunk was after me. Again how was I supposed to know she wasn’t meant to be slain.
Ok tangent my bad. So Krafey… if I was all the bad luck of the good guys, he’s a fucking superstorm with straight up ill intent. Let’s just start by saying, Krafey as Jack the villain Frost, was going for his personal favorite playbook moves. Number one, get jacked up.
Ok upgrading from evil jack Frost to killer snowman mode. Plus seven on the scumbag villain scale of boss mode abilities. Next up he does what douchebags do best. Minions. And I don’t mean the cute little one-eyed pill looking pixar twits. Turns out Santa Claus is a bastard in sheep’s clothing. I mean well dead, but you get the picture.
Anyway on to the point Jacky Krafey didn’t waste any time, in calling all of Santa’s little psychos out to play. And when I’m done running down this list of fucked up sidekicks and anti Claus’s you’re going to be wondering just how fucked up your Chirstmas world should relly be.
Number one, the Grinch, let’s face it, he’s probably the most harmless of Santa’s little sociopaths but whats a who’s who without the break down
The Grinch, all around monster and hater of people and good cheer. But more to the point he moonlights as an arsonist thief and bugler. Breaking and entering and stealing are his first and foremost joys, second only to raining on people’s parades. Literally if you catch his drift, and I mean he invented the golden shower dude. Well most likely.
Père Fouettard- Now this guy is a follower of Santa Claus, right. Kills three rich kids that stay at his inn. He drugs them, slits their throats, dismembers them and stews them in barrels. And Santa just recruits him after bringing the three little shits back to life. Than while being a lackey for Santa he cuts out the tongues of children who lie.
Next member of Santa’s little mafia. The Grither. Massive brute that kills just because someone said its name. Come on asshole , its veins are filled with rage and fear, and its ears grow big enough for it to fly around the world. Come on Grither, come kill me so I can stop floating around as a snowflake. Dammit, it’s not working I don’t have a mouth, And this big bastard is Santa’s fucking neighbor.
The Tomten… First of all Gnomes don’t exist, which probably explains why this little guy is so pissed off all the time, and has a hair trigger on his be an offended dick button. He’s known for beating people to death, killing livestock, poisoning people and driving them insane. All because you just aren’t nice enough. Oh and did I forget to mention superhuman strength on top of it all.
La Befana… Baboushka.. The Christmas Witch, Assault and Battery, for those who are bad.
Belsnickel Assault and douchebaggery. He likes to lure in his victims with a sack full of treats which he dumps out, just to beat his victims with a rod when they go after the treats he brings.
Knecht Ruprecht Assault and Battery to the extreme. This little bastard, often known as the Feral Child Santa, will beat people into submission, stuff them in his sack and throw them into a freezing body of water. All because they can’t pray.
Der Klown, a jack in the box with a worm’s body and a man’s torso and head. But at least he has manners, he will wipe his mouth after eating children.
Lumpy, Dumpy, and Clumpy. Watch out these aren’t your Shrek flavored gingerbread men. These little gingersnaps bite back. First of all, they are fond of the old bait and switch technique, and by that I mean they bait people into checking out their chimneys, than they hook the unsuspecting poor souls, impaling them on hooks and dragging them up the fireplaces and chimneys, to meet their demise, and don’t even ask about what they do with nail guns.
Mari Lwyd The Grey Horse. But to be fair he’s more of an annoying vagrant deadbeat than anything else, probably the nicest of Santa’s little psycho socialite committee. He just sings and begs until people relent and feed him.
Hanns Trapp, cannibal child murderer, drunk black magic practicing, Satan worshiping douchebag. Let’s just say that like many of Santa’s little helpers and opposites he’s a clear cut murdering bastard.
Straggele these shaggy horned beast are known for stealing from children and tearing them to pieces primarily for a light snack.
Perchta first of all she’s the inspiration for Mother Goose. Makes you think twice about Mother Goose now doesn’t it. This bitch has major OCD, and a penchant for disemboweling children, and filling their innards back up with straw, pebbles, and garbage before sewing them back up to suffer massive pain from her handiwork.
Krampus- Goatman, goat demon, horned god of the witches, possibly even the devil. Steals children, eats, children,drowns them, sends them to hell. Likes big breasted women and Schnapps
Zwarte zpiet- Krampus’s black furred sidekick.Black Peter, but not black skinned a chained devil tamed by Santa Claus. Loves beating children with a rod.
Jolakotturinn, the Yule Cat… this freaking huge beast eats people for not wearing new clothes. The fuck is wrong with this cat. You’ve got to go out and get new clothes for Christmas or it will eat you. That’s not how pussy works kitten.
Gryla- Cannibalism kidnapping, bad cooking.
And these guys are all part of Santa’s little helpers, in one fashion or another. You see here's the thing about Santa, as I’ve pointed out numerous times in the past. He’s a right old son of a bitch. He’s got a long list of sidekicks, lackeys and bitches doing his dirty work for him.
Or taking the heat for being the bad guys of christmas, while he gets glorified for being Old Saint Nick. And Krafey was calling in all the crazies. Every last one of these nut jobs and villains were coming to town. Fuck Santa Claus coming to town his crew was on their way.
The fuck! Oh and Santa Claus ain’t going anywhere, but to the rigormortis races. But seriously the fuck is with that horror version. And I am not responsible for my internal soundtracks choices, I’ll let it tell the story for a little while, because everything is going fucking wrong because of Krafey interfering with reality.
First this shit happens
And than this
Oh wait he’s dead. Scratch that.
Or so I thought before this shit happened…
Seriously didn’t I kill this mother fucker too. Zombie Claus, just what I fucking need, crazy and psycho all rolled into one. I need back up… oh ha ha fucking ha. More Snowflakes, is not back up. But it’s probably best that we… What the hell soundtrack, get your shit together.
I’m going to say this only once. Fucking Zombie Santa is bullshit. I’m on the run, I’m on the run again. Now understand that once the cast was assembled Krafey went on a holiday spree, killing pillaging murdering slaying killing, fighting, biting and manifesting bullshit trouble everywhere. And I was stuck being a snowflake….
God this is bullshit. The world is about to be turned fuckside down in a world of shit and I’m a fucking snowflake. Krafey, has minions the likes of which the world chose to forget, and Santa Claus is a fucking zombie bitch back from the dead too,
Wait wait fucking wait a god dammed minute here. Even if I was solid and tangible and not a fucking Snowflake, if I killed them all would they come back like Santa… Fucking Zombified?
Crisis Rocan- First Sergeant
- Posts : 356
Join date : 2019-03-31
Yukihime Strangesky likes this post
Re: Once upon a christmas slay!
Crisis Rocan Wed Dec 07, 2022 7:36 pm
Now I know this looks hopeless… I’m a fucking snowflake of course it’s hopeless.
….
And the first person to ask about the lesbian strip/fuck poker game gets shot. I don’t know with what, where or when, but they get shot! Call it an equal opportunity thing ok. And why the hell is my internal sound track playing rap… Ahh fuck it! This guys got a point and isn’t a drone, spewing the same garbage that the talentless hacks do.
Does anybody have a clue as to how I’m going to fight off a couple dozen Psycho Santa types?
I mean this history class is loaded with Nutcrackers. And completely bat shit crazy situation. Honestly it’s not worth going through the whole list of Santa’s psycho troopers, but we’ll deal with them once I stop flaking out. I hope.
It’s Christmas at ground zero, every flake in town is being burnt to the ground. Again for the record, snowflakes don’t die, they evaporate and reconstitute in the clouds and precipitate down over and over again. Vicious cycle, and Krafey knows it. It’s starting to look a lot like hell on earth. Santa Claus has come to town as a Zombie, Krafey is loving it, this is his kind of thing. Pushing others around without much effort, making moves through titanic pawns with unnatural powers.
I lost count somewhere between cannibals and child murders. Seriously, how many crazies does the old bastard Claus run with anyway? Somehow I get the feeling we’re missing a few dozen in the count due to history being selective. I’m ok with that right now. I’m still a snowflake and not getting anywhere.
But it’s not as bad as you think. I mean at least now we know how he does it. You have to ask? The entire span of human existence involving the Claus is the big question. Not how does it fit so many toys into his sleigh, but how does one man deliver to every one in a single night by himself?
It should have been obvious, HE FUCKING DOESN’T! With at least two dozen cohorts running around as his personal bitches or quote unquote rivals. This guy has been pulling the greatest snow job since Montreal. Ahh Screw job not snow job. Seriously though, talking about a white wash, how is it that all these crazy little sidekicks of his have been ignored all these years.
Well that’s obvious, he got the disney princess treatment, before disney was a thing. That Devil Mouse wash, for his entire background. It’s like a typical Disney movie, good strong character, then completely rewrite the shit out of it.
So on the bright side, they split up, which was the entire point of that entire tangent I’ve been on here for a few minutes now. Meaning as long as I can pull myself together, maybe Frosty out and get some kind of body going I can turn the tables and bring a balance to this force. Santa Force! Sounds like a bad superhero movie title.
They’re coming in cold, their coming in fast, Ice cold attitude and a Frosty killing spree… Santa Force, catch your death of cold at a theater near you… assuming your theaters are still open after the last couple of years of dwindling social interactions. Probably not, especially if you live in a smaller populated area.
Now than it’s time to start pulling myself back together
This is your Elf!
This is your Elf on fire, any questions! I didn’t think so!
God that was a needed distraction, burn you hack actor! Burn! What he’s terrible, and that’s his best roles, don’t even get me started on the rest of his quote unquote career. Ugh Burn ELF BURN!
You know hearing this; kind of makes me feel like there is some kind of stirring in the air, or off to the west, or was it east? I’m not Mary Poppins here, but even her spoonful of sugar ain't going to help this bitter pill go down easy. But something about the We Three Kings song is tugging at me, like I should be emboldened by it and making a stand. Tch Hehe HAHAHA.
I’m a snowflake, no legs, no way I can stand up let alone put up a fight. Oh wait, wait, I know. I can make them choke to death on a dry dusty snowflake. No seriously if you’ve never choked on snowflakes blowing in your face, you wouldn’t understand. It’s as bad as choking on ash and dust.
I’ve done both actually. Oh man is it getting bright out. I thought it was the dead of night and i might be able to pull myself together and build a snowman of a body, But not with this blinding fucking light all around. Probably going to melt.
I suppose it was during this blinding experience that I caught the first glimpse of figures moving along the horizon. I’m thinking it was to the East. Shapes two or three, slowly progressing in my direction.
But my focus was mostly on trying to keep track of the Santa Force, and trying to figure out just how in the hell I was going to snowflake them to death. Assuming I don’t melt into a teardrop sized puddle of water
You know that’s kind of the way things go, but it started to make sense, the blinding light, the shapes of people, I could tell they were people now moving closer and closer from the East. You could say it was starting to dawn on me, see what I did there, East sunrise dawn… bright blinding light. Critic!
So I had my own very own We Three Kings traversing afar. Finally they reached me, or more to the point, a spot below me where the light so blinding to me was shining down gently upon them. There were four of them. Four faces I knew, and didn’t know. LIke I was seeing them for the first time, but as though I had known them for ages.
Sentinel Gensai
Tenacious “Tento” Toshiaki
Lynch Shinbei
Ice Izo
The Knights of Chaos, the Prophets of Rage, and the Order of Chaos…
I’m always ahead of myself… All four brought gifts, things that allowed me to reconstitute myself. Forced reconstruction aided by my chosen warriors. To be honest, the tables had turned and the odds were still stacked unfairly but now it would be Krafey and the Santa Force who felt the weight of the imbalance crashing down upon them.
I’m not going to lie, we hunted down every last one of Santa Force then and murdered them out right in cold calculated rage. And just as soon as I had Krafey cornered… poof… flip the switch and watch the whole solar system glitch…
MERRY CHRISTMAS CHARL….
….
And the first person to ask about the lesbian strip/fuck poker game gets shot. I don’t know with what, where or when, but they get shot! Call it an equal opportunity thing ok. And why the hell is my internal sound track playing rap… Ahh fuck it! This guys got a point and isn’t a drone, spewing the same garbage that the talentless hacks do.
Does anybody have a clue as to how I’m going to fight off a couple dozen Psycho Santa types?
I mean this history class is loaded with Nutcrackers. And completely bat shit crazy situation. Honestly it’s not worth going through the whole list of Santa’s psycho troopers, but we’ll deal with them once I stop flaking out. I hope.
It’s Christmas at ground zero, every flake in town is being burnt to the ground. Again for the record, snowflakes don’t die, they evaporate and reconstitute in the clouds and precipitate down over and over again. Vicious cycle, and Krafey knows it. It’s starting to look a lot like hell on earth. Santa Claus has come to town as a Zombie, Krafey is loving it, this is his kind of thing. Pushing others around without much effort, making moves through titanic pawns with unnatural powers.
I lost count somewhere between cannibals and child murders. Seriously, how many crazies does the old bastard Claus run with anyway? Somehow I get the feeling we’re missing a few dozen in the count due to history being selective. I’m ok with that right now. I’m still a snowflake and not getting anywhere.
But it’s not as bad as you think. I mean at least now we know how he does it. You have to ask? The entire span of human existence involving the Claus is the big question. Not how does it fit so many toys into his sleigh, but how does one man deliver to every one in a single night by himself?
It should have been obvious, HE FUCKING DOESN’T! With at least two dozen cohorts running around as his personal bitches or quote unquote rivals. This guy has been pulling the greatest snow job since Montreal. Ahh Screw job not snow job. Seriously though, talking about a white wash, how is it that all these crazy little sidekicks of his have been ignored all these years.
Well that’s obvious, he got the disney princess treatment, before disney was a thing. That Devil Mouse wash, for his entire background. It’s like a typical Disney movie, good strong character, then completely rewrite the shit out of it.
So on the bright side, they split up, which was the entire point of that entire tangent I’ve been on here for a few minutes now. Meaning as long as I can pull myself together, maybe Frosty out and get some kind of body going I can turn the tables and bring a balance to this force. Santa Force! Sounds like a bad superhero movie title.
They’re coming in cold, their coming in fast, Ice cold attitude and a Frosty killing spree… Santa Force, catch your death of cold at a theater near you… assuming your theaters are still open after the last couple of years of dwindling social interactions. Probably not, especially if you live in a smaller populated area.
Now than it’s time to start pulling myself back together
This is your Elf!
This is your Elf on fire, any questions! I didn’t think so!
God that was a needed distraction, burn you hack actor! Burn! What he’s terrible, and that’s his best roles, don’t even get me started on the rest of his quote unquote career. Ugh Burn ELF BURN!
You know hearing this; kind of makes me feel like there is some kind of stirring in the air, or off to the west, or was it east? I’m not Mary Poppins here, but even her spoonful of sugar ain't going to help this bitter pill go down easy. But something about the We Three Kings song is tugging at me, like I should be emboldened by it and making a stand. Tch Hehe HAHAHA.
I’m a snowflake, no legs, no way I can stand up let alone put up a fight. Oh wait, wait, I know. I can make them choke to death on a dry dusty snowflake. No seriously if you’ve never choked on snowflakes blowing in your face, you wouldn’t understand. It’s as bad as choking on ash and dust.
I’ve done both actually. Oh man is it getting bright out. I thought it was the dead of night and i might be able to pull myself together and build a snowman of a body, But not with this blinding fucking light all around. Probably going to melt.
I suppose it was during this blinding experience that I caught the first glimpse of figures moving along the horizon. I’m thinking it was to the East. Shapes two or three, slowly progressing in my direction.
But my focus was mostly on trying to keep track of the Santa Force, and trying to figure out just how in the hell I was going to snowflake them to death. Assuming I don’t melt into a teardrop sized puddle of water
You know that’s kind of the way things go, but it started to make sense, the blinding light, the shapes of people, I could tell they were people now moving closer and closer from the East. You could say it was starting to dawn on me, see what I did there, East sunrise dawn… bright blinding light. Critic!
So I had my own very own We Three Kings traversing afar. Finally they reached me, or more to the point, a spot below me where the light so blinding to me was shining down gently upon them. There were four of them. Four faces I knew, and didn’t know. LIke I was seeing them for the first time, but as though I had known them for ages.
Sentinel Gensai
Tenacious “Tento” Toshiaki
Lynch Shinbei
Ice Izo
The Knights of Chaos, the Prophets of Rage, and the Order of Chaos…
I’m always ahead of myself… All four brought gifts, things that allowed me to reconstitute myself. Forced reconstruction aided by my chosen warriors. To be honest, the tables had turned and the odds were still stacked unfairly but now it would be Krafey and the Santa Force who felt the weight of the imbalance crashing down upon them.
I’m not going to lie, we hunted down every last one of Santa Force then and murdered them out right in cold calculated rage. And just as soon as I had Krafey cornered… poof… flip the switch and watch the whole solar system glitch…
MERRY CHRISTMAS CHARL….
Crisis Rocan- First Sergeant
- Posts : 356
Join date : 2019-03-31
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Re: Once upon a christmas slay!
Crisis Rocan Wed Dec 20, 2023 1:05 am
CREAK! CREAK! The floorboards creak as the odd gait of the gentleman of the place walks around a somewhat large room. At its center is a table like object which he works his way about sometimes this way, sometimes that way, never long in one direction or the other. Constantly moving about it. Noises that seem to tell the tale of some kind of machinery being worked upon dominate the air. It’s not just the room which is large, the gentleman working around the table is of equal proportion to the room. In short, massive!
Everything about the place is massive, tools, table, workbench, the man, all of it is of massive proportions. The clawed foot of his peg leg clacks against the stone floor as he hobbles about. One hand drops down below the table, the right, the hand appears to have been mangled and badly injured once upon a time. It’s mostly balled up and curled at the wrist, basically useless. He shifts his weight and a clang is heard, again and again as he bounces slightly from his clawed peg left leg to his physically perfect right leg.
Each clang matches the shifting of the weight and bouncing of the body, the heavy clanging begins to sound like metal hammering into metal, mixed with the soft grunts of the mangled man working within the room. You can hear the smile split his face as the last hammerfall’s clang rings into silence long minutes later. The hammer drops below the table in a pristine left hand, its handle is made entirely of wood, more specifically it is a single piece that seems to have been the root from a tree. The root spirals around itself, appearing more like braided metal than a wooden root. The head of the hammer is secured by the root as it spirals up over and around it.
Crystalline in appearance the head of the hammer is crystal clear, it was formed of the sap and ichor of the tree from which the hammer’s handle was formed. With the crippled hand the table is tilted up and it becomes clear that it is more of an operating table with a strap holding securely a large man to the table. His clothes are covered in blood and torn to shit. Layers of thick deep muscles are visible, the man on the table is so overly muscular had he been fully naked he would have looked like a lifelong muscle builder. But clothed even in his torn and tattered rags he looks more like a fat man perhaps even jovial.
The metal strap of the table is the only thing holding his mass in place. The smith steps back lifting the hammer up and dropping it down into an oddly designed shoulder harness and holster. The hammer’s handle slides down smoothly across the right side of the smith’s chest straight down until it settles into the holster. An overly perfect face looks down on the massive man strapped to the table, extremely beautiful both like cut stone and smooth as glass. The woman smith looks down for a moment, her left eye swivels, a mechanical device of her own creation, her right whole and original. Her eyes travel down her less than perfect body. Her hammer carved from the once mighty tree Yggdrasil’s roots, sap and blood hangs where her right breast once existed as large as her remaining breast. Her right hand a crude crippled mess, her left leg replaced with a metal one with a clawed foot in its place. Her left ear is as round as a human’s while her right ear is pointed like an elf’s. Her hair is short and rigid, barely more than an inch or so in length, every inch of her body well formed and muscular, but not like the man on the table before her. A sleek, smooth kind of muscle. She snaps the fingers on her left hand and stave forms out of a mist which turns to falling snow before solidifying into an ice-like substance.
“The Winter Witch summons you back my love, Odinson, Lord of Winter, Santa Claus. Rise… rise… rise… Live again Cyber Claus!”
The man in bloody rags stirs slowly, his eyes both now mechanical, creak open slowly, fires burn where his pupils should be, gears can be seen inside them turning as his eyes slowly start to work and the proverbial and literal lights go on inside his head.
You know I really hate being pulled away whe n it’s fucking important, dammit Luck, dammit Fate. You two suck major floppy donkey dick. So just to recap, the knights of Chaos and myself, had hunted down all of the Santa Claus gang and finished them off. And we were about to put the boots to Krafey when I got sideways sucked into A Peanuts fucking Christmas story. Merry Christmas fucking Charlie Brown… gggggrrrrrrr ARG!
So it’s not really as bad as that sounds, really, for once things are normal here. I mean I was expecting like Charlie Manson and his cult of dysfunctionality to come out and really ruin my fucking day. But instead I was greeted with a tree the size of a shin, with a blanket wrapped around it. The smallest most anorexic tree I’ve ever seen. Off behind it there was a pumpkin patch, or rotting decaying pumpkins and well a corpse. The biggest pumpkin is oddly stuck on the corpse. It’s growing sideways out of the corpse’s eye socket. It’s steam slowly splitting the skull and head in twain. A tiny badge just hangs stuck on the outside of the pumpkin, Detective Charlie Brawn.
I start to say something because I’m a cynic like that when my whole life just fucked sideways once again. More deep fucking snow… and I hear blood curtling laughter, almost echoing mechanical mocking laughter. I stop dead in my not moving tracks…
“I will hunt you until the end of everything. EVERYTHING!”
“I’m not looking so great either Charlie Brawn!”
Of course the first thought I have is the ironically named detective from the Charlie Brown universe. And my second is how deep is the shit I’ve just been plucked down into. I’ve got not support my Knights of Chaos are nowhere to be found, Santa Claus is back and I can see his now clanky ass making his way through the snow toward me, from one direction, and I can sense Krafey in his corrupted shadow controlling form coming from the other.
Yeah I’m fucking trapped between Santa the fucking Psycho Claus, and Krafey with some weird bastard shadow stealing manipulation skills and who knows what else after fending off the Knights. Yup this is going to be a shit sundae on a sandwich. My damn nemesis’s are just popping the fuck up every fucking where, did I miss a memo, a let’s just fuck Crisis memo somewhere? Seriously did I?
I have no desire to go hand to hand to hand to hand to hand to oh fuck it who knows how many hands they have between them. Now or later. It’s going to be a fucking shit show and I know it. Santa and Krafey, yeah this is what horror films are really made of. And what do I have on me, FUCKING SNOW… well I did mention the feet of snow I was standing in already. On the bright side I’m not a holiday freakshow. I’m me, I’m me, and that means I can put up a fair fight.
Well maybe not a fair fight. I mean it is two on one and all that. But hey who wants to rule the world anyway. All hail the king…
And Kingslayer is not a nice turn of phrase right now. Alright two on one, let’s make this fair.. Fair…
Playfaire Constable Revolvers… Ok not the best choice of guns but hey I don’t need to have fully automatic weapons to shoot fast and quick and overwhelm an enemy with sheer numbers of bullets. I’m me, I have the advantage on things like this. OK here we go two evil bastards closing in on opposite sides and two guns. It’s fair math. Two plus two equals zero. It evens right out. So I take my time line up my shots, hell I practically invented the gunslinger skills, this’ll be a fucking turkey shoot! It’s bullet time!
I pull the triggers of both guns simultaneously, the guns flare in the low light, both bullets emerge and fly… nowhere. What the hell? Both bullets shot out the ends of their respective guns and just stopped dead in the air. I just stare lowering both guns. Looking side to side at the pair of unmoving bullets. I just stare in disbelief at this unbelievable fucking luck. It’s like the Matrixall over again only the bullets aren’t suddenly moving back into real time out of bullet time. They just hang in the air right where they exited the guns. This is a bastard twist and not in my. FUCK that hurt. I shouldn’t have taken my eyes off of either of them. God my head feels like an anvil after it smashes Wile E. Coyote’s head into the pavement from an unmentioned height. Damn near flattened. I can feel the air being squished out of my head as Santa’s new hand slams my head nearly flat.
Why is he sporting metal skin and flaming gears in his eyes? Can someone explain why I’m facing off with a Cyberpunk Santa? Anyone? Oh it’s a bad script? That figures. On the other side of things, more specifically me is a shadow snow…man…? Oh come on, why are there men made of shadow’s and snow? Krafey you cheating son of a bitch, grow a pair and fight like a real man. This from the guy who's trying to shoot his enemies before they can get to him. Eh potato, potato.
Eight crazy shadows charging into the fray and Krafey the Shadow Jack right behind them too. Ten on one still not a fair fight, and my guns were seemingly useless. Well there was nothing for it, but to dive into the fight fist swinging.
I didn’t know shadow’s could draw blood from flesh. Hey, you learn something new every day. Dodging, dodging, I’m not dodging shit with ten enemies coming at me at once. It’s more like I’m taking twelve or thirteen hits to everyone I land in return. This math sucks worse, yup much, much worser! I’m just trying not to get wrapped up in these shadow fuckers. It’s not like they are just swinging at me, more often than not they are trying to grab me and pull me into them. Krafey is trying to swallow me whole with these new freaks of his, and I’m not liking this one bit.
“HO HO HO HO HO the hell do you think you are to interfere in my revenge?”
“Piss off Tinman. He’s mine.”
Oh? What’s this? Do I have a chance to fuel the flames between my nemesis? Oh do I have an opening here? Santa and Krafey are getting a bit of a standoff going as Krafey’s shadow’s continue to engage me. Now’s my chance to strike. Faster than I was before. I stop swinging my guns and smirk. It can only get better with them distracted.
OH FUCK. I forget the guns aren’t shooting the bullets out just ejecting them into fucking staisis. Son of a bitch. I’m dog piled by the vile fucking shad…..
“Now I’ve got you Cri.”
“HO HO HO NO YOU DON”T shadowboy. I’m taking him from you, I owe him death!
The Cyberpunk Santa Claus dives straight into Shadowform Krafey and they begin to struggle as his shadow’s attempt to engage as well, Crisis nowhere to be seen. And what’s more two more figures come into the conflict,
Frosty the Cyborg,and behind him slowly approaching in Santa’s sleigh drawn by eight mechanically enhanced revived reindeer is the Winter Witch with her staff in one hand and her hammer in the other. And Crisis… What has become of Crisis? DId Krafey’s shadow’s actually succeed in swallowing him whole for their controller?
Crisis Rocan- First Sergeant
- Posts : 356
Join date : 2019-03-31
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